Combat Zone Wrestling 7/14/01 Smyrna, DE "H8 Club Dead?"by LUKI

The tape (yes, I'm watching VHS in 2012) opens with Jeff Rocker looking for a tag partner. Everyone turns him down, including his wife. Segments like these don't really work unless they lead to porn.

This chalkboard is outdoors in 80° heat. The rusty nails upon it are Eric Gargiulo and John House.

1. Hurricane Kid [x] vs Ultraviolent Towel Boy [o] (6:49) DDT
Both these guys have the physique of Napoleon Dynamite's brother. Backyarder level match with laugh out loud moments of ineptitude. 1/16*

2. Adam Flash [o] & Danny Rose vs Jon Dahmer [x] & Eddie Valentine (8:06) diving guillotine drop
Pre-match, Rocker - who was supposed to be involved - takes credit for CZW getting kicked out of their previous venue. He hasn't found a partner; the other four guys wail on him until his wife extricates him. It won't be a three-way after all. Traditional tag scheme worked at an andante con moto pace. Dahmer gets isolated by the quicker-tagging Flash & Rose. Dahmer & Valentine's comeback gets thwarted by chair strikes from Rose, who Death Valley Bombs the most-damaged Dahmer to set up Flash's victory. Decent little tag between guys who are actually trained. **

3. Ruckus [o] vs Fujita Minoru [o] vs Nick Berk [x] (6:06) unison chair strikes
Now it's Berk's turn to take credit for CZW's banishment from the firehouse. Gargiulo instantly disbelieved Rocker and instantly believes Berk. Ruckus does lots of flippy stuff to Fujita. Both exclusively double team Berk, who is there mostly to get in the way. When he tries introducing chairs, Ruckus & Fujita get them instead. A clash together 6 inches above Berk's head is enough to put him away. Both cover and both are awarded the win. Ruckus' acrobatics were impressive and Fujita looked okay given what he had to work with, but in total this was pretty dreadful. 1/2*

4. José Máximo, Joél Máximo & The Amazing Red [o] vs Quiet Storm [x], Chris Devine & Brian XL (15:51) Infa-Red
Unbelievable stuff, but not for the right reasons. Though in the early minutes all six exhibit some decent entry-level UDG-style lucha, our heroes soon plunge headlong into pointless, wacky acrobatics and irrational head dropping finishers. Nothing is sold, almost everything botched. Like a car without breaks plummeting down a mountain while a concussed Portsmouth Sinfonia play the second movement of Vivaldi's 'Summer', once they got going they just couldn't stop. Pure Botchamania, this match was one of the most unintentionally hilarious things you'll ever see, climaxing perfectly with the crowd giving all six a standing ovation at the end. Wow. Everyone here actually had a bit of potential, but both execution and idiom were ridiculously bad. For that very reason, this was quite entertaining. *

5. CZW Tag Title: © Nick Gage & Nate Hatred [x] vs Jay Briscoe [o] & Mark Briscoe (10:34) schoolboy
The champions dominate Mark with both traditional stiff wrestling and hardcore brawling around the grounds. At one point Mark hits a tope off a van. For the finish, Gage & Hatred bring out lighttubes, but Jay dodges to induce friendly fire and steals the win with a flash pin. Everyone looked pretty good, particularly Gage and Jay, but this lacked big match substance and felt like it ended in the middle. **
This was the Briscoes' first title. According to legend, they brought the belts to their high school prom. Yes, the Briscoes actually graduated from high school.

6. Fans Bring the Weapons Deathmatch: Zandig, Wifebeater & Sick Nick Mondo vs Justice Pain, Trent Acid & Johnny Kashmere
The PA system has died, so no entrance music. It'd really suck if this match were entirely storyline based and required promos, wouldn't it? Uh-oh... Lots of absolutely nothing leads to Zandig being attacked by Nick Gage and Nate Hatred. Everyone trepidatiously wanders around hitting each other with various forms of glass, seeming to have no honest idea what is going on. Things sort of continue as a five on three tornado tag, but Gage & Hatred turn on Pain, Acid & Kashmere. Most guys involved acted like the match was over on three seperate occasions. Some stood around and stared, some actually left but came back. There were no nearfalls, no finish, not even a closing bell. After around 20 minutes, Gage & Hatred's manager declares them the new H8 Club, but since they were already a tag team, all the glass was shattered and blood spilled... for a name change? Huh? This made absolutely no sense, and Zandig's attempts to shout his promos without electrical amplification clarified nothing. He then destroys Z-Barr and the show appears to be over. As the fans are leaving, Nick Berk scurries to the ring and shouts that it was he who cut the power. He then puts a Softcore Connection t-shirt on the unconscience (as Gargiulo puts it) body of Barr. Gage & Hatred run back out and beat him down, which apparently ends the show for real.

This was the first taping for CZW's Fake You TV show. When the main event aired, it may have been creatively edited into something coherent, I don't know. But what I do know is that afterwards, Zandig gives the wrestling world this gift:

In conclusion, this was a laughably bad, amateur show that accidentally works as comedy. I like good and I like bad; it's mediocre I hate. Check this out for a cheap laugh.

by LUKI 6/22/1

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